I finally gave in to the hype and watched Bridgerton, and not only was I pleasantly surprised, but I had a full-blown AHA moment while watching. As I marveled at the swoon-worthy balls, the art of letter-writing, and the sheer effort men put into courting women, it hit me: This might just be the solution to modern dating woes.

Ah, modern dating. A battlefield where chivalry is on life support, and situationships have replaced solid commitments. Where ghosting is as frequent as text notifications, and bread-crumbing is served up like a side dish to your main course of confusion. You’d be forgiven for thinking romance is dead, but what if I told you that the solutions to today’s dating woes might just lie in the past—or even in the wild?

Let’s take a jaunt back to Bridgerton’s Victorian era, when men courted with intention, women didn’t chase, and marriage was the goal, not a footnote. Throw in a little wisdom from the animal kingdom—because, let’s face it, peacocks and penguins might have more to teach us about mate selection than dating apps do—and we just might find the answer to why men these days are putting in less effort and women are left carrying the relationship.

Victorian Courting Norms: The Art of Making an Effort Back in the day, a gentleman knew that winning a lady’s favor required more than a swipe right and a half-hearted “Hey, what’s up?” It meant writing letters, showing up on time, and actually putting in the effort to get to know her. Men pursued, and women set the standard. And let’s not forget the calling cards, the chaperoned walks, and the endless balls where men competed for the chance to waltz with the lady of their choice. The rules were clear: Men did the chasing, and women decided if they were worth catching.

Contrast that with today, where men often put in minimal effort, expecting maximum reward, and women, desperate to not end up alone, start making compromises they shouldn’t. Situationships have replaced courtships, and the art of romance has been replaced by Netflix and chill. If you’re wondering why men aren’t committing, it’s because, somewhere along the line, we forgot that men are supposed to work for it. When you don’t make him earn it, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t value it.

Old-World Dating Traditions: Marriage as the Goal Let’s be honest—Victorian women didn’t date just for fun. The goal was marriage, and everyone knew it. There was no playing hard to get; you were either on the path to the altar or you weren’t. There was no room for ambiguity, and that clarity made all the difference. Men knew what was expected, and women didn’t settle for less.

Fast forward to today, where we have terms like “situationship” and “friends with benefits” muddying the waters. Marriage? That’s a conversation for year three, maybe. Or year give…Or, never. Modern dating has become a game with no clear rules, where everyone is afraid to ask, “What are we?” for fear of sounding too eager. But here’s the thing: If you don’t set the standard, the standard will be set for you—and it’s usually much lower than you’d like. And if you stay despite not liking where you’re staying, guess what, that’s an answer.

Animal Kingdom Wisdom: The Peacock’s Lesson Now, let’s turn our gaze to the animal kingdom, where mate selection isn’t just about swiping through profiles. Take the peacock, for instance. The male peacock doesn’t just strut up to a female and expect her to be impressed. No, he fans out his iridescent feathers in a dazzling display, showing off his best assets, because he knows he has to work to win her favor. And what does the female peacock do? She sits back and watches, deciding who among the suitors is worthy.

But it doesn’t stop there—because the female bird is literally deciding which traits she wants to pass on to her children. Traits that female birds, such as peahens, don’t find attractive simply die out over time. By choosing the most vibrant, strong, and healthy mates, these female birds are directly influencing the future generations of their species.

Now, apply this to our society: When we date men who leave much to be desired—men who don’t put in the effort, who ghost, who breadcrumb—we’re not just settling for less in our own lives. We’re also, in a very real sense, shaping the future of humanity. If we accept low effort now, what does that mean for the qualities that future generations will inherit? It’s a sobering thought, but one worth considering the next time you find yourself justifying a man’s lazy behavior.

The Modern Plight: Situationships, Ghosting, and Bread-Crumbing So, why are men today putting in less effort, ghosting, or bread-crumbing women along? There are many, MANY factors to this. I’ve had whole podcast interviews on this. Written many-a-instagram post about this (check out @healwithwordsbypetra for them). But in short, if I had to pick one answer: It’s because they can. We’ve lowered the bar, accepted less, and stopped demanding more. Back in the day, a man who wasn’t serious about a woman didn’t get to dance with her at the ball. Today, he gets her number, her time, and sometimes even her bed, without ever having to prove himself.

We’ve become so afraid of being alone that we’re willing to accept crumbs instead of the full meal. But here’s the truth: If you don’t demand more, you won’t get more. Men will put in the effort when they know they have to. If you settle for situationships, that’s all you’ll get. If you want more, you simply have to stop accepting less. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in an endless cycle of ghosting, bread-crumbing, and wondering why he won’t call you his girlfriend.

What We Can Learn from the Past (and the Peacocks) So, what can we learn from Victorian courting norms, old-world dating traditions, and the animal kingdom? It’s simple: Set your standards high, make him work for it, and don’t be afraid to walk away if he’s not willing to put in the effort. He as to prove himself and his intentions to you to earn you opening, whether that’s emotionally or physically. Men are wired to pursue, to chase, to win. But they won’t do it if they don’t have to.

Want to break the cycle of modern dating woes? Stop chasing men. Stop accepting situationships. Start demanding the effort you deserve. Because when you do, you’ll find that the right man will rise to the occasion—and the wrong ones will fall by the wayside. And just like that, you’ll be the one calling the shots, just like the ladies of Bridgerton or the discerning female peacock.

A Final Word: Of course, this is an oversimplification and a summation of the similarities, the problems, and the solutions—trust me, I could write a whole book about this (and maybe I will). But it’s so important for women to collectively raise their standards for all of womankind—nay, for all of society! When we expect more, we receive more, and everyone benefits.

If this resonates with you, be sure to check out podcast interviews I’ve done about these very topics, read my poetry book To My Second Love, which touches on these issues through poetry, and keep an eye out for my upcoming personal podcast launch. I also host talks and workshops on this subject, so join my mailing list to stay updated. And of course, if you want more personalized help navigating the dating and relationship landscape, don’t hesitate to reach out—I’ve helped many clients find their way.

For those looking to start this journey for free, one of my favorite resources is The Female Dating Strategy. And if all else fails, watch nature and Bridgerton—there are plenty of lessons to be pulled from both!